Happy birthday, Adam.

Well it's been a long time since I used this blog, but it's back in action. Let's see, since last we met, I have lost my apartment and discovered that people  will lie to you, and living in a Toyota, those lies can be very dangerous. Finally got some help from a Veteran's group, but I'm back in the same exact spot I was before. I can't pay last months rent, so I'm faced with an imminent eviction. I'll never be able to buy s home. Very down right now. It's my sons
18th birthday, and I cant do anything. I feel like such a dirtbag. More later, got clothes to wash in the tub.

Cold, rainy Saturday

The weather is terrible. And that makes my left shoulder ache deep inside, like a torn rotator cuff kinda. I was recently advised by one of my readers (probably the only one!) to not focus on my illnesses so much, but it's hard when you're in pain all of the damn time. I'm cleaning house today, it's a wreck. I'm going to blame it on Brindy, since she's the only other one here. I've been depressed over money lately, and I'm trying to get past it. I have a problem. I cannot manage my money properly. It's ridiculous, I know, but there it is. When I get some money, it's almost like I'm compelled to spend it! Things are very tight right now, if I hadn't have paid my rent for a year, I'd be on the streets I'm pretty sure. I think maybe I've taken the right first steps to help myself out of this situation, I'm dealing with the VA and fighting an uphill battle with both SSDI and California state child support demons. I can say with 100% honesty that I hope those people, and Maria Dykes along with them, burn in Hell, and suffer forever. She has lied about child support from the start, and now it's really adversely affecting my life. But, I'm not here to talk about dirty lying whores who can't stop having children. Or am I? Well in any case, I really need to put this pizza in the oven and vacuum. Brindy has a rope toy that she shredded into tiny, tiny, strings. Hoping it won't mess up my new HEPA vacuum. I guess there's only one way to find out.... here's hoping we ALL have a great weekend!!

Obliterate every tiny bit of pride/manhood that i managed to cling on to.

I finally got a hold of a couple of dollars, which is great b/c Brindy needed food. So, being the frugal indigent burden on society that I am, I google searched for the cheapest price for the really great dog food that I used to buy her when I counted. Petco, google says. the one closest to the house, too. So I proceed up there, walk over to the dog food, and it's on sale! I mmove to grab the 30 lb bag, but then freeze, and look around, hoping no one saw me. I walk with a cane now. My back is in constant, excruciating pain. No way under Heaven or Earth I can throw it on my shoulder like I used to. So I go get a cart, and ask the petite little girl working there if I can get some help with a bag of dog food. She says sure, someone will meet me there. Don't you know, it was all 95 lbs of her. She picked it up like it was a down pillow and tossed it easily in the basket. After I paid, she repeated the act into the back of the Toyota. I was so effin embarrassed, and ashamed that this child can perform feats that I could do all damn day long not so long ago. Yeah, good luck getting a job, sissy. Can't lift ten lbs? Sorry, we're not hiring pussies today.

if nobody acknowledges me, do I truly exist?

I don't know, but a lot of the time, I feel like my life is meaningless, that if I were to disappear completely and totally, nobody would notice, for a good long while. Makes me wanna bug out.... kinda. I'm feeling odd. I guess it's just loneliness, but whatever, I really really don't like this feeling. I'm a social butterfly, and this lack of human contact is killing me softly .

Don't read it if you're not gonna provide some sort of feedback!! Babs, youre excepted, of course. Just sayin.... 

More fry cooks.....

yep, once again, I'm dealing with fry cooks masquerading as mechanics. Best Auto Salvage's manager, Steve, had arranged for my transmission to be looked over by a local shop, probably a guy he knows, at his expense. I called the shop last week, and was told to bring it in first thing this morning, which I did. The lot was full of vehicles, and the owner seemed to have a tracking system a lot like mine (which is to say, one in severe disarray, to say the least). He told me he was booked up, but I could leave it and he'd get to it sometime during the day. Now, I had came prepared to spend several hours, I was going to check out some antique shops in the area, familiarize myself with that side of town. But that's not what he was inferring. I am not in the kind of shape to deal with unfamiliar surroundings, worried about my vehicle, for 8 or 9 hours. So I calmly asked if we could schedule an actual appointment (which we had already done, and I was there for), and he got that flustered look people get when they can't believe someone's asking them to do their job, and looked at a calendar. After much consideration, tsk'ing, and rolling of eyes, he settled on next Wednesday. I agreed, and left. I did not peel out of the driveway, I did not drive like an idiot, I wasn't even upset. I just realized it's one of those things that happens when you live a normal life, and went on with my day. I've gotta say, I'm proud of myself. The new meds are helping, but I think maybe I'm starting to help myself for a change. Thank God, it took long enough for me to grow up.... :)

Getting angry doesn't solve one damned thing

But I effing do it anyways. I've worked myself up into a fine fury this night. Oh no, not a broke down, 42 year old fury, but a 16 year old pissed off at the world and everything that exists on it. I'm really just whining about the situation I put myself in, I know that, but it makes me  no less dangerous. I wanna go out and fuck somebody up. Just beat the shit outta some random idiot in a bar, then mosey on out, hands in my pockets, daring any motherfucker to step up. I must admit I've done it before, and it makes me feel like a god. Like what the hell are these fuckers doing on my plane of existence? I have every right to tax that ass, and hard. So, there's my felony fantasy for the night. I'm sure someone will use it against me somehow one day. Know what? DILLIGAF?!