Cold, rainy Saturday

The weather is terrible. And that makes my left shoulder ache deep inside, like a torn rotator cuff kinda. I was recently advised by one of my readers (probably the only one!) to not focus on my illnesses so much, but it's hard when you're in pain all of the damn time. I'm cleaning house today, it's a wreck. I'm going to blame it on Brindy, since she's the only other one here. I've been depressed over money lately, and I'm trying to get past it. I have a problem. I cannot manage my money properly. It's ridiculous, I know, but there it is. When I get some money, it's almost like I'm compelled to spend it! Things are very tight right now, if I hadn't have paid my rent for a year, I'd be on the streets I'm pretty sure. I think maybe I've taken the right first steps to help myself out of this situation, I'm dealing with the VA and fighting an uphill battle with both SSDI and California state child support demons. I can say with 100% honesty that I hope those people, and Maria Dykes along with them, burn in Hell, and suffer forever. She has lied about child support from the start, and now it's really adversely affecting my life. But, I'm not here to talk about dirty lying whores who can't stop having children. Or am I? Well in any case, I really need to put this pizza in the oven and vacuum. Brindy has a rope toy that she shredded into tiny, tiny, strings. Hoping it won't mess up my new HEPA vacuum. I guess there's only one way to find out.... here's hoping we ALL have a great weekend!!

Obliterate every tiny bit of pride/manhood that i managed to cling on to.

I finally got a hold of a couple of dollars, which is great b/c Brindy needed food. So, being the frugal indigent burden on society that I am, I google searched for the cheapest price for the really great dog food that I used to buy her when I counted. Petco, google says. the one closest to the house, too. So I proceed up there, walk over to the dog food, and it's on sale! I mmove to grab the 30 lb bag, but then freeze, and look around, hoping no one saw me. I walk with a cane now. My back is in constant, excruciating pain. No way under Heaven or Earth I can throw it on my shoulder like I used to. So I go get a cart, and ask the petite little girl working there if I can get some help with a bag of dog food. She says sure, someone will meet me there. Don't you know, it was all 95 lbs of her. She picked it up like it was a down pillow and tossed it easily in the basket. After I paid, she repeated the act into the back of the Toyota. I was so effin embarrassed, and ashamed that this child can perform feats that I could do all damn day long not so long ago. Yeah, good luck getting a job, sissy. Can't lift ten lbs? Sorry, we're not hiring pussies today.

if nobody acknowledges me, do I truly exist?

I don't know, but a lot of the time, I feel like my life is meaningless, that if I were to disappear completely and totally, nobody would notice, for a good long while. Makes me wanna bug out.... kinda. I'm feeling odd. I guess it's just loneliness, but whatever, I really really don't like this feeling. I'm a social butterfly, and this lack of human contact is killing me softly .

Don't read it if you're not gonna provide some sort of feedback!! Babs, youre excepted, of course. Just sayin.... 

More fry cooks.....

yep, once again, I'm dealing with fry cooks masquerading as mechanics. Best Auto Salvage's manager, Steve, had arranged for my transmission to be looked over by a local shop, probably a guy he knows, at his expense. I called the shop last week, and was told to bring it in first thing this morning, which I did. The lot was full of vehicles, and the owner seemed to have a tracking system a lot like mine (which is to say, one in severe disarray, to say the least). He told me he was booked up, but I could leave it and he'd get to it sometime during the day. Now, I had came prepared to spend several hours, I was going to check out some antique shops in the area, familiarize myself with that side of town. But that's not what he was inferring. I am not in the kind of shape to deal with unfamiliar surroundings, worried about my vehicle, for 8 or 9 hours. So I calmly asked if we could schedule an actual appointment (which we had already done, and I was there for), and he got that flustered look people get when they can't believe someone's asking them to do their job, and looked at a calendar. After much consideration, tsk'ing, and rolling of eyes, he settled on next Wednesday. I agreed, and left. I did not peel out of the driveway, I did not drive like an idiot, I wasn't even upset. I just realized it's one of those things that happens when you live a normal life, and went on with my day. I've gotta say, I'm proud of myself. The new meds are helping, but I think maybe I'm starting to help myself for a change. Thank God, it took long enough for me to grow up.... :)

Getting angry doesn't solve one damned thing

But I effing do it anyways. I've worked myself up into a fine fury this night. Oh no, not a broke down, 42 year old fury, but a 16 year old pissed off at the world and everything that exists on it. I'm really just whining about the situation I put myself in, I know that, but it makes me  no less dangerous. I wanna go out and fuck somebody up. Just beat the shit outta some random idiot in a bar, then mosey on out, hands in my pockets, daring any motherfucker to step up. I must admit I've done it before, and it makes me feel like a god. Like what the hell are these fuckers doing on my plane of existence? I have every right to tax that ass, and hard. So, there's my felony fantasy for the night. I'm sure someone will use it against me somehow one day. Know what? DILLIGAF?!

a pleasant break from my real life

So I decided to go test out the 4WD in my Toyota today. I just drove East, and stopped at a nearby state park. The ranger told me where I couldn't ride, and sent me on my way. So I drove a little further, til I was out in the sticks. I stopped at a convenience store, and found a 4WD with mud on it, so I walked up and asked them. The lady was much more helpful, and in ten minutes, Brindy and I were at a trailhead where you sign  in and out. The trails are pretty burly, which is to say, pretty much professional level offroading. I had a GREAT time, Brindy hated it. She can't hold on, and we were catching air in some spots! We stopped at a beautiful little lake, splashed around, Brindy acted like a big game hunter for a couple of minutes, then back to the trails. Five hours later, I was done. Driving back, all my problems attacked me, as if they were just waiting for me to stop  being happy. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm gonna do what I can, and trust in the Lord to make it right. Going back to Voc Rehab tomorrow, see if they can help me do something. I want to go back to work, but my work restrictions make it difficult. Plus, nobody wants to hire a guy with two huge W/C cases behind him. But, it'll all work out, somehow....it's got to, right? Right?

Who's reading my blog in Germany and South Korea? Someone military, and I know lots of them, but I'm just curious. Who are you?

TMI!!

There's entirely too much information on the Internet! Or, I should say, there's too much stuff (for lack of a better word). Not everything that's on the Internet is true. I would estimate that the vast majority of material online is pure crap. I've been investigating ADHD, since my doctor said I'm "the poster boy" for it. There's so many horror stories, I quit reading them. I just want to have some semblance of a "normal" life. I really, really do. I've lived this crazy, nonstop gogogogogogo life, and I'm just tired. Now I'm in dire financial straits AGAIN, and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry thinking about it. I thought the new meds were working, and they are, I just keep having these catastrophic events happen, and I'm trying so hard  not to freak the hell out! I'm scared, and alone out here in AZ. I hate being alone. And now, I had to pawn my TV for gas money, and it's quiet. Too quiet, really. I don't know where I'm going with this, just wanted to actually write the words "I'm scared about what's happening to me". So, there it is. I'm scared as hell. And I don't know  what to do.

Sunday, windy Sunday....

So, Sunday finds Brindy and I contemplating what to do for the day. I should've found a church yesterday, and attended services today. But I didn't, so no use in dwelling on it. I find that I dwell on things, especially things that have already happened, far too much. I've decided to become a man of action, not just grand ideas!  I have found, as well, that life becomes boring fast with no television. I still don't have a plan of action for securing more money each month, but I'm aware, fully aware of it now, and will formulate something, and  SOON!! I'm running out of nice stuff to pawn. Okay, I just wanted to touch base here, I've gotta get up and do SOMETHING! or I'll sit on this couch all damn day. It's pathetic, but I have to make myself do the most mundane, ordinary things, or I'll end up wasting another day, week, month, year, you get the picture. I think I'll take Brindy to the dog park today, she doesn't get to run around and socialize nearly enough. I need to start thinking about others more, and not be so selfish. That's it, for now!

Let the downward spiral begin!!

No, it's okay. Really. I just wanted to go ahead and document today as the day that it all started to spiral out of control. Going to pawn my fucking 50" plasma TV right now. Cause I gotta. No fucking choice. Why, no, no I'm not very FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT IT EITHER. IT'S GONNA TAKE ALL I GOT, BUT I'M NOT GONNA WILE OUT OVER IT, IT'S JUST A FUCKING TELEVISION. That'll be all for now, thanks.

Boy, I sure wish I was a better money manager

Because I am now officially broke. And it sucks. Especially since my bank account, the first one I've been able to have in years, is $300 overdrawn, thanks to Best Auto Salvage not picking up the towing bill for my truck. On the third of next month, SSDI will deposit the whopping sum of $242.00 into my account, which will leave it approximately $70.00 overdrawn. I get more money.....on the third of the following month. Oh boy, I need to get my ass in gear, and figure something out, ASAP.

Too much time on my hands

I'm a thinker. Which is a problem. I live alone, besides my beautiful puppy Brindy, whom I am very appreciative of. Having said that, I hate living alone. Especially at times like these, when I'm in trouble. Not legal trouble, thank God, but financial trouble. Problems that I have, I have created, most of the time. My income has been halved, then halved again, then stomped all over and swept up, like so much popcorn on a theater floor. What the broom missed, that's what I live on now. I have ran out of what money I had, and I saw it coming, but it seems like I'm incapable of doing anything about it. Now, it's all I think about. All day. All night. I'm back to not sleeping, without the drugs this time. I know, I'm kinda all over the place with this post, but it's damn hard for me to concentrate right now. I don't even know why I'm writing it, but I've gotta do something, find some kind of outlet for all this anxiety and tension that's building and filling me up to capacity until I think my heads gonna explode. I need to smoke some weed, but my lovely VA doctor won't prescribe me narcotics if I'm using pot. Small minded? YES. But, I really need the painkillers to function on a daily basis. So, right now, I'm broke, anxious, in pain, all alone, which is killing me softly to quote my man Chappelle. In I.B., I'd be walking Brindy on the beach, I knew 90 percent of the folks walking by, I HATE THIS PLACE.

tailspin

I gotta do something to pull myself out of this depression that's settling in like a thick marine layer. I can literally feel myself getting angry and sad at the same time. I feel helpless, and when I feel that way, I want to go do something, ANYTHING, to take back some power, have some say in where my life is headed. I don't know what to do. Maybe walking this stubborn dog will help. I don't wanna know where this train of thought (or lack thereof) could end up taking me. Peace.

blah

That's how I feel today. If possible, worse than yesterday. Maybe this is how it's gonna be, every day worse than the one before. I was fiinally getting my life back on track. Had a bank acct, credit was even starting to improve. Then, it all came crashing down. Because of the truck issue, I spent every last cent I had to my name. Well, apparently more than that, since my acct is now overdrawn 200 dollars. I don't get another SSDI check til the 3rd of March. It's for 242.00. If my account is still open then, the fees will have grown to an amount greater than that, so I'll get no money at all, and the bank acct will close. Of course, I have to eat until then. I broke my phone, so I ordered a new one from Boost. Phone came, I ported my cricket number so it would stay the same. I have to pay Boost for a month of service before it comes active. I have no money. The cricket phone was paid til the end of the month. My cable bill was due three days ago, so the house phone and internet will shut off soon. Then, I'll have no means of communication, no vehicle, no hope, no nothing. I know this is very negative, but it just hits me sometimes. I just don't know what to do. There's not much to do. No vehicle, no job, even if I could work. I better go, I'm sure not cheering myself up any. Before I go, though, I want to thank you, Debbie, for helping me. I know people love me, etc etc, but I just don't know how I'm gonna turn this shit around.

I know there's gonna be some bumps in the road,

but this is effin' ridiculous. Just when I thought I had my medications figured out, and was starting to feel better, like maybe I was gonna make it out, everything fell apart. It makes me sick that I fall apart like this whenever I have a crisis, but in my defense, my world went to hell in a hurry. I'm not gonna go through the horror story that is my paperweight truck. That's my name for it from now on. Paperweight. I am so so so stressed out and my anxiety is at an all time high. I'm so worried about what I'm gonna do that I find myself getting paranoid. I constantly stare out  the window, in case someone's coming. For what? IDK. My back hurts so badly that I could just curl up in a ball and cry. I wish a storm would come and wash me away. I really think I'd prefer oblivion to this state of mind. I gotta go, I can't even write. Pray for me, will ya?

Well I'll be damned.

Seems this old dog can learn new tricks after all! I wrote out in detail my current fiasco, and the more I wrote, the angrier I got. Now let me explain. You might get angry at something, shout and shake your fists. In a while, it's over. Well, let me tell you. When I start  to get angry, it's a process. It spools up, like a turbocharger. I think, and it feeds off my thoughts, which are usually dead on, like an inferno. I foment assassination and revolution. i become so angry that it totally consumes me, and I'm in a rage, looking for an excuse. Any excuse. Not so today. I bitched some, listened to some hardcore punk, and then reigned them back in. the heavier dosage of ativan might be helping, after all. Okay, that's it, just wanted to get that down before I forgot it. Because I forget a lot lately. That's another post.

It shouldn't be against the law to kill unscrupulous mechanics

And NO, I'm not kidding. I've been having serious trials and tribulations with my 1995 Toyota 4Runner. Being on a fixed income, I tried to go the economical route and get a transmission from a salvage yard. Comes with a warranty, yada yada yada. I'm not going to go into great detail here, cause it'd just piss me off all over again, but let's just say that I've had two different transmissions installed by two different fry cooks posing as mechanics, neither of whom was competent, paid both of them for the installs, and been totally and completely screwed over. I've been taking my Ativan liberally, and it's just barely stopping me from expressing my rage and disappointment in a visceral, violent way on the dirtbags I've been dealing with. Come Monday, I'm probably going to let my fists do the talking for me. I'm a genuinely nice guy, and go out of my way to help others, and try and accomodate vendors that service my vehicles, etc. Unfortunately, bad people naturally mistake my kindness for weakness and take advantage of me. I sometimes let it go, but now I'm on a very tiny fixed income, and cannot afford to get ripped off. I've tried reasoning with the main culprit, and in two days if he doesn't do exactly what I tell him to in regards to repairing my vehicle, I'm going to bring pain and punishment to bear, and see what effect that has. While I know it's not the right thing morally, I cannot in good conscience let myself get taken advantage of. Ever. This is my new philosophy, and I intend to take swift, brutal action from here on out. I'm so hurt and upset that these crooks are forcing me to take measures that I really don't want to, but I see no alternative.

P- out.Toyota: Pick-Ups/Land Cruiser/4Runner 1989-96 by Chilton Automotive Bo (Google Affiliate Ad)V-Tech 1989-95 Toyota 4Runner Tuff Covers 5025 (Google Affiliate Ad)

It's hard to get to sleep

when I'm alone. i've got Brindy, but it's not the same. Also, I'm a ridiculous worrier. Money's getting tight real fast, and I lie awake worrying about it, like that's gonna help anything. I'm not sure about the new meds yet, but it's only been a couple of days. okay, gonna lay down and think about things I'm lacking. money and affection. Youch.

Stop taking the fluoxetine before starting the duloxetine

Funny names, huh? The first one is Prozac, which I've taken for a couple of years now. I have a theory that these drugs work for me, but with diminishing returns over the course of time. My pain level is increasing, and in the course of trying to treat that, I'm changing antidepressants to Cymbalta, which has pain blocking properties as well. I'm hoping that it helps with this low back pain that's getting worse. But, as I said before, I'm really looking forward to getting to a point where we can treat my ADHD pretty soon! My finances are going to be a real issue soon, but I'll just deal with that as best I can. I'm trying to get ready for it, I'm dropping cable next month, and just keeping the internet going, I've been buying food at Costco, like canned food, in bulk, and I'm just reminding myself to stay positive. I'm my own worst enemy, I get in my head and go to dark, dark places sometimes. I'm working hard to change that. Okay, talk to ya later! :)

things are (maybe) starting to look better

It's Friday!! In the not-so-long-ago world of Pauly, I'd be drinking, smoking pot and probably doing some speed. In today's world, I'm eating Weinershnitzel chili dogs and drinking Cherry RC! I saw a new psychiatrist yesterday, and spoke at length with him. We're changing my medication radically. I'm gonna stop smoking pot, for a while at least, start an antidepressant with pain-blocking properties and a muscle relaxer that specifically targets spinal cord injuries, and up my dosage of Ativan to try and stabilize my sleep patterns. Then, for the FIRST time in my life, we're going to treat my ADHD, which no one else has even mentioned. The doc says that my past involvement with amphetamines probably made other clinicians shy away from stimulant medications, but we talked about it, and he thinks that it'll be fine. Of course, a urinalysis came first, to make sure I wasn't still self medicating. I feel better about this diagnosis than any previous one, and am cautiously optimistic about the future. ADHD explains so many of my problems! So, we shall proceed from here, as the song says, scarred, but (hopefully) smarter.....

A productive day...for me at least.

So I woke up this morning, shook off the lingering apathy and anger of the night before, and decided I would move in a forward motion, at least a little bit. I've decided that I need to stay the hell off FB so much. I like the fact that I can communicate with my family and friends that live far away, that's good because I'm pretty isolated from everyone I know. But I get angry sometimes, about things that shouldn't bother me, but they still do. I don't want to go into it right now, it just sounds like complaining, so I'm not going to. My life here is just bland, generic, vanilla. I am constantly beating myself up mentally for the incredible, spectacular mess I have managed to make of my life. I'm trying to straighten it out, but it's slow going, and painful on a number of levels. I may try and talk about some of my demons in the next few days, we'll see. I'm really struggling, and really can't turn to my family, and it hurts that I'm the only one. My whole life I've felt like an outcast, like I didn't fit in, and wasn't wanted. Hell, it's hard to think anything else when your parents tell you you're a mistake they wish they hadn't made. I mean, literally tell you. Of all the heartache I've suffered, all the horrors I've seen, both here and abroad, nothing hurts in such a wicked fashion as knowing the people who are raising you, upon whom your very survival depends, despise you everytime they are forced to buy clothes, pay doctors bills, living a dreary work-a-day existence, because abortion wasn't performed anywhere within a hundred mile radius. It's hard to be a happy child when you're precocious and pay attention to what goes on around you, and are able to discern the scorn and regret your parents display, thinking it disguised by sarcasm. Makes a kid wanna work as hard as possible, get the best grades, make the folks love me! Wrong. I never studied during my school career, I have excellent retention and recall. I could've made straight A's, had I wanted to. But it just seemed like a waste of time when nobody cared anyways.

The pen is mightier than the sword indeed!

And so it begins. I am writing this blog in order to let out all this crazy insane devilry swirling around my head every time I foolishly attempt to read my Mother's blog. I love my mom dearly, but we' ve had our differences, and live on opposite sides of the country (which she is secretly SO relieved over!). I receive approximately 3 to 5 extremely brief calls a year, plus the obligatory Xmas and birthday cards. That's it. I like to know what's happening in my family, so I read mom's blog every so often. And every damn time, I regret it. It normally isn't a whole page before it starts. The denigration, the laying of blame, all leading up to a cruxifiction for something I did or didn't do, according to whomever she needles for information. She certainly doesn't ever consult with me, the prodigal son, cause I'm
"off the rails" anyways. IT FUCKING HURTS, NANCY. I have more than enough on my plate right now. I'm dealing with issues you couldn't possibly fathom. Read up, get a glimpse of my hell I live in. I'm trying hard to change my life, and a little encouragement from my family home would be nice. I would say my home, but I feel like I don't have one. I'm adrift, all alone in an ocean of blame and pain and shame and regret, with no one to talk about my issues with . Anyways, I needed to say that.