Wednesday, February 6, 2013
A productive day...for me at least.
So I woke up this morning, shook off the lingering apathy and anger of the night before, and decided I would move in a forward motion, at least a little bit. I've decided that I need to stay the hell off FB so much. I like the fact that I can communicate with my family and friends that live far away, that's good because I'm pretty isolated from everyone I know. But I get angry sometimes, about things that shouldn't bother me, but they still do. I don't want to go into it right now, it just sounds like complaining, so I'm not going to. My life here is just bland, generic, vanilla. I am constantly beating myself up mentally for the incredible, spectacular mess I have managed to make of my life. I'm trying to straighten it out, but it's slow going, and painful on a number of levels. I may try and talk about some of my demons in the next few days, we'll see. I'm really struggling, and really can't turn to my family, and it hurts that I'm the only one. My whole life I've felt like an outcast, like I didn't fit in, and wasn't wanted. Hell, it's hard to think anything else when your parents tell you you're a mistake they wish they hadn't made. I mean, literally tell you. Of all the heartache I've suffered, all the horrors I've seen, both here and abroad, nothing hurts in such a wicked fashion as knowing the people who are raising you, upon whom your very survival depends, despise you everytime they are forced to buy clothes, pay doctors bills, living a dreary work-a-day existence, because abortion wasn't performed anywhere within a hundred mile radius. It's hard to be a happy child when you're precocious and pay attention to what goes on around you, and are able to discern the scorn and regret your parents display, thinking it disguised by sarcasm. Makes a kid wanna work as hard as possible, get the best grades, make the folks love me! Wrong. I never studied during my school career, I have excellent retention and recall. I could've made straight A's, had I wanted to. But it just seemed like a waste of time when nobody cared anyways.
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You were never told you weren't wanted by your parents, you were and are very loved. I certainly never even considered anything other than carrying my baby because from the first moment, I knew you were growing inside me, I loved you and wanted to protect you. Every piece of clothing was selected with love and we never resented taking you to the doctor. I do not claim to be a perfect parent but I did the absolutely best I knew how to do and love you with all my heart.
ReplyDeleteBut be clear about this no one ever literally or otherwise told you you weren't wanted or loved. It simply isn't true.
Mama
I love you, too, Mom. But just because you wish you hadn't said something doesn't mean you didn't say it. I remember with crystal clarity you telling me that I ruined your life. All I'm doing is talking about it. And I am constantly being denigrated in your current blog. I am the scapegoat you use to assuage your conscience, even if I'm not the reason for whatever the current rant is. Tell me, how I'm "off the rails" right now, and even if I was, what business is it of yours to spew it to the world, except to have your little henhouse tell you how terrible it is, and it's not your fault? My demons name is Legion, and they are many. I'm dealing with them in the only way I know how, and am finally starting to have some success. You'd think some support would be in order, instead of the vapid, self serving reporting of my mental state to the world.
DeleteI second that.....all you have to do is look back at pictures over the years to see how much all of our children were loved! They were all loved before we met them and have continued to be loved and prayed for their entire lives. We were very young parents, but we knew how to love our children with all our hearts!! Children born into this family are very fortunate that they were loved by aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc!!
ReplyDeletelove, Aunt Cathy
And while you think you have the market on sympathy cornered b/c your family has suffered multiple tragic accidents, there are disabilities that aren't visible to the naked eye. Just because I'm not in a wheelchair, doesn't mean I'm not disabled. You've needed to hear that for years. I'm trying to make it in a hard world all by myself. I don't have the familial support that the rest of the cousins, esp my brother have had. I'm just barely making it, and may not be able to keep my head above water much longer, but I know I cannot depend on my family for any help. So please, don't try to validate my mother's position. You don't know what you're talking about. Since on one else in my family was brave enough to fight for this country, you have no frame of reference to chastise me at all.
DeleteDon't drag me into your crap Paul. also I tried to join the army and they would not let me because I took ritalin for my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder when I was a kid. no your fax for you make an a****** and yourself next time.
ReplyDeleteDavid, once again, this isn't about you. If you wouldn't have showed your ass, they would've taken you. I know hundreds of people who took ritalin and were in the service. If you don't like the blog, don't read it. How much rent do you pay? How much did that trailer cost? Don't get involved in MY blog, or I'll start really laying out facts. This isn't about you. It speaks volumes how angry you get, if my facts aren't right.
DeleteKnow your facts before you make an asshole out of yourself next time.
ReplyDeleteDavid, this blog is about me, not you. I know my facts. Sometimes you may not like them, and if so, don't read my blog.
ReplyDelete